Women & Conflict
Many professional women are terrified of conflict, but avoiding a difficult conversation with a family member or colleague because it makes you feel uncomfortable is both unprofessional and non-productive. Here's how to prepare for — and lessen the discomfort of — touchy situations.
Susan considered herself a first class professional in a field where keeping your priorities straight and keeping your cool were both of the essence and a requirement to grow and develop.
She worked as an addiction counselor, the only woman in her treatment center until another young counselor joined the crew. Jamie seemed good-hearted and committed and, as the senior woman on the scene, Susan willingly took her under her wing. But over time it became clear that Jamie's meek personality was getting in the way. She was afraid to take on many of the responsibilities necessary to be effective in her role like meeting with clients who needed treatment. Susan knew she should say something but, since the conversation would have been awkward and surely necessitate hurting Jamie's feelings, she kept putting it off.
As women we are uncomfortable with conflict or the appearance of conflict. We want to be nice and be loved by everyone in our family and the people we work with. We don't want to hurt their feelings or rock the boat. In order to keep our spotless reputations, we can twist ourselves into every shape imaginable to avoid discussing a problematic situation, from telling someone they didn't get a promotion to confronting them about not pulling their weight to delivering a pink slip.
But that choice not to address a touchy issue just because it makes us feel uncomfortable is both unprofessional and unfair. Especially as women when we reach positions of more power and influence, the responsibilities of the job include letting people know when things are going badly as well as when the sailing is smooth. Though such conversations are rarely pleasant, there are a ways to minimize the damage.
In preparing to confront a difficult issue with a colleague, there are three key points to keep in mind:
1. Be gentle
2. Be respectful
3. Practice beforehand
Don't do what Susan did and wait until the heat of the moment to figure out what to say. Instead, schedule a private meeting with your colleague in a place where there's little chance you'll be interrupted or overheard. The day before, take a few minutes to sit down and plan out what you want say and how you want to say it. Make notes. The more calm, cool, and collected you can be, the smoother things will go for both of you.
Be as specific as you can be about the problem and its possible solutions. General or nebulous criticism does not soften the blow; it just makes the situation unnecessarily confusing. Phrase things as kindly as possible, but don't be ambiguous in your convictions.
Saving yourself the discomfort of a tough conversation may be the easiest choice, but it's also the most cowardly one. You owe it to your colleagues to be as straightforward and honest with them as you would hope they would be with you. No one loves conflict, but there's one other thing I'm sure most of us can agree upon. If issues hang around unaddressed, they only wind up getting worse.
Renewing Your Energy
A Christian is never in a state of completion but always in the process of becoming ~ Martin Luther
Are you feeling exhausted? Are your emotions on edge? Are you weak or worried? Take the time-or, more accurately, make the time to delve deeply into God’s Holy Word. Are you spiritually deplete
d? Call upon fellow believers to support you, and call upon Christ to renew your spirit and life. When you do, you’ll discover that the Creator of the universe has the power to make all things …new including you.
Aloha from Hawaii. Sherri
Friends
What kinds of friends do we have? We have social media friends, and that count is in the hundreds. We have friends whom we see casually and that number will vary. Then there are dear friends and that number is less than the others. And finally, we have one or maybe two or three that we call true friends whom we can trust with our lives. These friends are rare in our life. This friendship takes time to cultivate and nourish. It takes commitment, honesty, trust and love to have such a rare friend in our lives. If we are so blessed to have this kind of friend in our lives, we are very rich.
There are a couple of things we need to make sure we are aware of in these friendships. First, we must be the same kind of friend to them in return. We must be caring and loving to them, just as they are to us. We have to live up to our part of the relationship; otherwise a good friend will be lost. We also need to recognize that if we use and abuse a friend for our own selfish needs, we will soon lose that friend; use, abuse, and lose.
Good and true friends are a treasure, and we are rich when we have one and richer beyond that is if we have two. Good and true friends are hard to find, but the start of this kind of relationship is we need to be a good friend first. Love is the key, and it is what makes the connection so strong. Are we a true and good friend to someone else?
Guest blogger: Doug Peterson
The Climb
The large mound of rocks, grass and mud could hardly be called a mountain, but that was our challenge. Our challenge was to climb that "mountain" and declare ourselves as king/queen of the mountain. Wet from last night's rain, the slope is slippery and the traction of our feet is poor. Grabbing at every handhold we can find and putting our feet in just the right places, we make our way up the 'mountain'. Almost reaching the top, reaching our goal, our foot slips, our wet fingers lose their grip, and we slide down the slippery slope, scraping our chins, knees and elbows.
We are not defeated by our slip in trying to get to our goal; we have learned from it. We now know where not to put our foot or which rock not to grab, so we go back to our climb. As we look at the goals in our lives, these are small mounds filled with obstacles, which make our climb challenging at times. We take each step toward accomplishing our goals with determination and perseverance. If we take a wrong step and slide backwards, we have two choices; we can sit on the hill, looking at our bloody knees and elbows and not get up sitting in defeat and weep, or we simply need to get back up, brush ourselves off and start again. Our slip on the hill probably won't take us back to the bottom, so our work so far has been good. We need to learn what caused us to slip and not follow that same path. We need to set our sights to reach the top and imagine achieving our goal. It's then we place our foot and hand back onto the 'mountain' and continue our journey. Giving up on our goal is never a good option. It is ours to dream, and it is ours to achieve.
Blog provided by Douglas N Petersen – guest blogger
The Four Myths of Self-Promotion
As women, it can be hard to "toot our own horns" and own up to our strengths. But it's so important to know your worth and to be able to speak to it! We're reading the following four tips on self-promotion, from forbeswoman.com.
Want to make a woman feel uncomfortable? Just ask about her strengths. It's no stereotype: Studies show that women are notoriously bad at promoting themselves.
One study, from employee search firm ISR, attributes this trait to the high value women place on relationships and communities. Women don't speak about their strengths; the reasoning goes, because they don't want to alienate people who are less successful.
Whatever its cause, this hesitance to self-promote hurts women's careers. In today's competitive world the people most vocal about their accomplishments are the ones most likely to get ahead. And by downplaying their accomplishments and deflecting praise onto others, women act like their own worst enemies.
As a marketing consultant for women business owners, I see this behavior all the time. I've also heard countless excuses for why women avoid self-promotion. These excuses tend to fall into one of four categories, which I've dubbed the four myths of self-promotion:
The Assertive Woman Myth-"Self-promotion will make me look arrogant."
Not all self-promotion is shameless. Sometimes it's essential to a successful career, whether that means reminding a boss of your achievements or publicizing the 10th anniversary of your business. But many women have trouble making the distinction between shameless bragging and smart marketing.
The Queen Myth-"If I'm good enough, people will hear about it."
This myth originates from fairy tales where the princess waits for her knight to arrive and sweep her off her feet. Generations of girls have heard this story. Many grow up believing it's true. If you work hard and wait patiently enough, someone will eventually notice.
Unfortunately, this only applies to fairy tales. In the corporate world most people are juggling too many responsibilities to notice what others are doing well. This goes double for people with the authority to give promotions and pay raises. For business owners, simply waiting for the right customers to appear is a recipe for failure.
The world is too full of competition for businesses to stay solvent without good promotion.
The Friends and Family Myth-"Others should talk about my accomplishments, not me."
Some women assume that their friends, family and other customers will do their marketing for them by spreading positive word of mouth. While word of mouth is a great form of promotion, relying on word of mouth alone can hurt your chances of success.
Let's face it–no one is more passionate about your work than you. No one else knows the depth of your experience and expertise. And no one can elaborate on your unique skills as convincingly as you can. By delegating promotion to others, you're taking away your best opportunity to demonstrate your value.
The Martyr Myth-"You can't control what people think anyway."
When self-promotion makes you feel uncomfortable, it can be tempting to take a "why bother?" attitude. After all, people form their first impressions before you even say a word, so there's no sense trying to change their minds … right? Wrong!
The Bottom Line
The myths you believe often mask a deeper insecurity about the value you place on what you have to offer. If you don't fully believe in yourself, you'll naturally resist stepping into the spotlight. This resistance, plus generations of conditioning to be humble and stand on the sidelines, has left many women unprepared for today's ultra-competitive business world.
That doesn't mean you have to play the role of a pushy saleswoman to get ahead. But it does require taking small steps outside your comfort zone. Get familiar with your strong points. Write them down if necessary and put them somewhere you'll see them often. (Practice talking yourself up in front of friends: They'll give you honest feedback about what works and what doesn't.)
Most importantly, tap into your passion for what you do. By denying your passion a voice, you keep the world from benefiting from what you have to offer. And that's the most shameful thing of all.
Reprinted from ForbesWoman.com
Failure or Stepping Stone?
"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear."
— Rosa Parks, African-American civil rights activist
No one steps out or wants to fail. But as I write this blog, I do believe "failure" can be an important stepping stone on the way to success. Failure certainly teaches us what not to do, which is often as important as knowing what we are to do. So called failure is all about how we chose to look at the experience.
Last year while in Banff, Canada my sweet husband wanted us to ski the beautiful Canadian Rockies but I had never learned to ski! I know I grew up in Canada just a couple of hours from the best places to ski but my mom had to raise 4 kids on her own and we did not have the money for ski lessons or school ski trips.
Instead of allowing the fear of failure stop me from trying to ski that day, I embraced the challenge and all of the information my 22 year old instructor could share!
I was off the magic carpet aka Bunny Hill with the 5 year olds and onto my first ever green hill by 10am. The feeling of snow plowing down the hill all day was both thrilling and scary, but I powerfully chose not to give up.
Fast forward to last weekend, Mason and I went to Crested Butte, Colorado and in 2 days of skiing with a fabulously talented instructor I graduated to tackling a double green. For those of you, who don't ski; let me share with you this is a huge accomplishment especially for this 43 year old woman who speaks publicly for a living.
If I had given up last year and not taken the ski lesson in Banff, I would have missed out on the incredible joy of skiing my last day along side my husband in God’s country. Did I forget to mention my husband is an incredible skier, snowboards, surfs, dives etc. and he is 12 years older than I am!
Make it an amazing day! Sher
Never say “No Way”
"W
ithout the way, there is no going; without the truth, there is no knowing; without the life, there is no living." Thomas A Kempis
Have you ever faced a situation and said, "There is no way this can ever be"? Maybe some of these thoughts weigh on your mind:
- There is no way I can handle the pressure at work.
- There is no way I can pay my bills.
- There is no way I can save my marriage.
- There is no way my children will ever grow up and be responsible adults…..have you met my three millennial aged girls!
- There is no way I can lose the weight I need to lose.
I want you to know there is always a way. It may not appear easy; it may not be convenient; it may not come as quickly as you want. You may have to go over, under and around, or though. But if you simply kept on keeping on and refused to give up, you will find the way.
I never thought I would be able to have let alone sustain a healthy marriage, but Mason and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary in January and each day his love reminds me that I am worth loving even broken.
I want you to make yourself a promise today. Promise yourself that you will not again say, "there is no way." Truth is, even when there seems to be no way, with God in your life there is always a way. Instead of dwelling on difficulties, we need to to focus more on the fact that God is there supporting and loving us. His power is at work in our lives. I wonder how many times people give up just before a breakthrough, on the very brink of success. You can feel the same way for years and then suddenly one day you wake up and everything's changed, it just took one more day!
I recently was asked to speak to 100 of the top CEO's in the United States in Napa Valley and Mason was able to sit in the audience to listen to me speak and once done he looked at me and stated "you make speaking look so easy." what he knows is that years ago I authored my first book and realized if I was going to share this new message I needed to learn the skills to be a public speaker even though the thought terrified me!
If I had given up after my first disaster speech in 2008, I would not have learned the tools necessary to effectively connect with my audiences. I believe the best lessons are learned after some time on our knees in prayer. By the way, I did deliver a great speech and on our drive to the airport I looked at Mason and said "Who would have believed a girl from Canada raised by a single mother on welfare would have such an incredible opportunity!
I assure you if God wants you to do something, God will make you able to do it, you do not have to feel able, and you do not have to have experience. All you need is a right motive and a heart full of faith. God is not looking for ability; He is looking for availability. He is looking for somebody to say, "Here I am God, send me, teach me."
Seize the day, make it count. Sher
Build Your Self-Esteem – Play a Bigger Role in Your Life
“It's only when we run into ourselves that we can reach outside of ourselves for help.” Kristina Wandzilak
Do you ever think that you are not playing the role which you should play in your life? Don’t you think that you were born to play a leading role, a much bigger role in the real drama of your life? What is holding you back then? In my opinion we have to get out of our own way to see our own short sightedness.
In order to play a bigger role in life, you need to visualize a bigger picture of yourself. Once you have that picture before you, it will be much easier for you to paint that picture into reality.
Build Self Esteem Daily:
Every morning, I look in the mirror and say, "I want to play a bigger role in life." These simple words make my day, a wonderful day, every day. My firm determination that I have to play a bigger role in life, keeps my mind in supreme working condition, fully prepared for playing a bigger, bigger, and much bigger role in life. No surprise, my every day is getting better than the day before.
Every night, before going to bed, I visualize that tomorrow is going to be better than today. And it happens! Yes, it happens!
While your body muscles need some kind of daily physical exercise, your brain tissues also need a dose of daily inspirational exercise. It is, therefore, important to keep yourself motivated all the time.
Build Self Esteem Out of Bigger Goals:
You need to clearly define, preferably in writing, every single detail of your big dreams and ambitious goals. You must try to bring a bigger YOU out of your own person so that you are able to reach those big goals. Never think of living an ordinary person’s life! It’s a sin! It’s not your way of life. Let me repeat that you are born to play a leading role, a much bigger role in the real drama of your life.
Your confidence in yourself to reach your goals with strong determination to set new records of excellence is your biggest asset. You are not far from playing a (much) bigger role in life. Play a BIGGER role in life!
Enjoy your life to the fullest today and every day! Sher
Copyright © 2012 Sherri Elliott-Yeary. All Rights Reserved
Crossroads in Life
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." – Alice Walker, author of "The Color Purple"
Dear friends,
Since launching my new blog in response to the upcoming release of my new book – You Can Have It All, Just Not All At Once strangers have shared with me the new crossroads in their life. I am personally at a new intersection…do I go right or left? I took a deep breath and paused to allow myself the opportunity to powerfully choose which signal do I pay attention to…Regardless of the stage in our life, our socio-economic condition, or our spiritual understanding we all discover new opportunities at each new intersection of life, every morning and at the end of every day and at times in between.
It is so easy for us to turn the wrong direction when someone close to us hurts us, when business is hard, when our expectations are not met, and when the brightness of tomorrow seems to never materialize. It’s easy to whine, complain, and demand more out of everything from our relationships to our careers and kids. It’s a choice that does us absolutely no good; a choice that is harmful and destructive. Choosing to live a life this way not only steals our joy but also the ability to embrace those marvelous things we do have, and in abundance.
Take my advice, I have been there got the t-shirt, I hope you will stop right now and start a blessings checklist. My husband Mason and I have one right next to the sink in our bathroom so every time I brush my teeth I look up and I am reminded to appreciate what I have and not what I am lacking.
I am thankful for the people in my life, my family, my ability to work in a field that fuels my fire and my health, others are not so lucky. Today, I took the opportunity to jump out of a meeting that did not interest me with people that did not lift me up and took my husband to lunch because I missed him and wanted him to know how special he is to me today and every day. When was the last time you thanked your family and friends for showing up in your life?
Live a full and joyous life, Sher
Be Right or Kind?
"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."— Marie Curie, chemist and physicist
Would I rather be kind or right? is the question we seldom ask ourselves as we go about our day, facing one situation after another. We have this drive in our mind that we have to win especially as women, we have to be right. It's our ego filling our head with this drive to be better than those around us. It can be a very small issue and we know we're right, but is it that important that we win? Will the argument have a better outcome if we insist on having it our way? Or will the overall situation have a better outcome if we're kind and let the other person 'win'?
Forcing the issue to be right, at the cost of someone else's situation, usually has a counter effect on the issue in the first place. Yes, we are right and we win the conflict, but we lose maybe something even greater than the win, we lose respect and our integrity. Not only do we lose respect from those involved in the situation, but we lose self-respect. We bullied ourselves into being right and having the outcome feed our ego, but we diminished ourselves as a result.
We need to stand up for what is right and do what we can to make a difference in the world. It's just sometimes we make a bigger difference in the world when we decide to be kind instead of being right all the time.
Acts of love and kindness bring peace upon the world, Sher
|
PRE-ORDER |
Facebook
LinkedIn
Twitter
